How To Screw Up Your Interview – in ten minutes or less
Being prepared for your interview is important. Anticipating what you will be asked and having a good reply goes a long way towards improving your chances of being hired. The wrong answers to what you’ve been asked can be deadly. Consider the following questions;
· Q: “Why did you leave your last place of employment?”
o A: “I didn’t think it was a good idea to hang around after being fired.”
o A: “I didn’t leave. At least not on my own. I had to be escorted out by security.”
o A: “They ‘frowned’ upon downloading pornographic material on company computers.”
o A: “They said I was never sober enough after lunch to get any work done.”
o A: “Their work schedule and my life schedule had major conflicts.”
· Q: “Do you have any commitments that would prevent you from working our normal 40 hour week?”
o A: “Not unless I get committed again! “
o A: “Is your 40 hour work week flex-time?”
o A: “Seriously?” “For real?” (I love that answer! It can be used, across the board for some many questions)
· Q: “Would you be willing to take a drug test?”
o A: “Uh, like in today? Can we put that off for a week or two?”
o A: “Sure. As long as nobody watches me pee.”
o A: “I’d prefer not to. I’ve tested so many drugs in my life, I’m kinda burnt out.”
o A “Sure!! Do I get to choose which drugs I can test?”
o A “If I like, give you $20 bucks, will you take it for me?”
Often an employer will inquire as to whether or not you have any questions. Never say, “No”. It shows you either aren’t interested or weren’t paying attention. On the other hand, I wouldn’t suggest asking any of the following, either:
· “What’s this company’s policy regarding pressing charges on an employee?”
· “How often can I take a break, and when’s lunch?”
· “Can I keep my beer in the lunchroom refrigerator?”
· “Is this a ‘zero-tolerance’ workplace, or will I get a second chance if I get caught?”
· Who’s the hot chick answering the phones at the front desk? (and if the answer is: “My daughter”, don’t ask if he’ll give you her phone number. Better to not say a word and just turn around and leave.)
· “Wanna arm wrestle?”
When filling out your application:
· In the ‘Date’ box, don’t put: “Small, edible fruit.”
· For the question, ‘Do you speak English?’ don’t write: “Si”
· The ‘Sex’ box should only be answered with either ‘male’ or ‘female’. Not: “Whenever I can get it.” Or even “Yes!”
· I know it’s tempting, but for the question: “Who should be call in case of an emergency?” The correct answer is a friend or family member. NOT: “How about a Frickin’ doctor, you moron?”
Things that might not be too good of an idea to say:
· “I swear to God. If I don’t get this damn job, I’m going to kill myself!”
· “I swear to God. If I don’t get this damn job, I’m coming back and killing someone!”
· “I like to cross-dress. Do you have a problem with that?”
· “I party pretty hard on the weekends, but usually I’m sober by Monday morning. Tuesday at the latest.”
· “You don’t have to worry about me taking office supplies. I stocked up before getting fired from the last place.”
And in the box that says ‘Education’, don’t put “Yes.” Although I guess that’s better than the following:
"Where did you receive your training?""Yale.""Good, and what's your name?""Yim Yohnson."
Written by: Ronald J. Morse
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How funny!
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